Vi-R-Us

Security researchers at the Sillycon Valley Startup VirulentStrains, Inc. have discovered startling news.  Computer viruses have jumped the genetic gap to humans.  Analysts have long been concerned with several variants of the bird flu, which have jumped to humans in a few isolated cases.  Recently, however, a more serious problem has surfaced.

"With the increasing complexity of computer systems we suspected something like this would happen at some point," said lead artificial intelligence researcher John Hyong. "Computer engineers try to model their intricate AI around the human body's capabilities, especially that of the brain, the most amazing computer known to man.  Computers are now so similar to humans that it wasn't a large leap for the Vi-R-Us strain to adapt itself from computer DNA, as it were, to human."

The Vi-R-Us strain, originally discovered in 1998, has been responsible for DDoS attacks on major corporations for years, mutating as it grew in scope.  Now, it seems, it has mutated once again, able to attack not just human-like artificial intelligent computers but humans themselves.  Vi-R-Us is transmitted like any other flu: contact with infected door handles, public restrooms, and sneezing are especially deadly.


The National Association of the Prevention of Human-Borne Computer Viruses/Trojans/Infections (NAPHBCVTI), formed in an emergency meeting on Saturday by the President, is advising everyone to protect their electronics from the threat.  Laptop users are encouraged to buy keyboard covers.  iAnything users should buy gloves.  "The threat is two-fold," said a NAPHBCVTI representative. "We need to stop users from infecting computers and computers from infecting users."

Meanwhile, representatives of Toys 'R' Us have released a public statement distancing themselves from the "unfortunately-named" virus.

"We have absolutely no connection, corporate or otherwise, with the malignant 'Vi-R-Us' threat," stated a press release from the company on Monday.

While no cases have been reported to the NAPHBCVTI yet, the threat is real and hospitals are advised to begin using traditional stethoscopes instead of their Apple iSpy pilot program stethoscopes at this time.