Oh those homegrown jokes

Joe Schmoe was a pretty righteous guy, so he was taken up to the celestial kingdom in the twinkling of an eye.

Once he got up there he went to the doctor.
"Joe!  What are you doing here?  This is heaven, you're supposed to be perfect!"
"I know doc, but I feel like the 8th article of faith"
"What do you mean?"
"Yeah, I kind of feel like the Bible.  I don't think I was translated correctly."

The Sure-Fire Method of Total Domination

So I was going through some of my old stuff and found this that I wrote back in 2009.

1. Come in with an unreasonable, selfish request.
2. Ask if it's possible
3. When it's (obviously) not, raise voice by 5 decibels to 90 decibels (according to http://www.gcaudio.com/resources/howtos/loudness.html this is the noise "Level at which sustained exposure may result in hearing loss")
4. Shamelessly browbeat opponent with facts about how you've been "planning this for almost eight months" and "(insert current best friend here) is doing it"
5. When told that those are not good reasons for doing anything, let alone doing this unreasonable request, bring up anecdotal evidence that "(respected community member, his/her daughter, and their bishop) condones it" and it won't do anything major, expensive, or irreversible, all the time gradually raising voice to 95 decibels
6. When money is brought up, make reference that although no money is owned right now, "when I get the job at (any restaurant or business here) later on I can pay for it," while ignoring evidence that because no money has ever been owned there is good evidence that others' money will be used instead
7. If these techniques don't work, attack permission-denier with all bad things they've ever done, apparently discrediting them and in so doing discrediting their argument
8. Begin sulking now
9. Become silent and let everybody in the room see how this rejection is affecting you by tearing up
10. When somebody implores you not to cry over something as silly as the reason, either respond by saying, "if it's so silly why can't I do it?" or else...
11. Cue standing up and leaving to your own room to sulk, ignoring protests, logic, and stampeding bears, as your hearing has probably been damaged by listening to rebellious loud music and your 95 decibel voice for a prolonged period of time
12. Be annoyed with everybody for the next 24 hours, at least, long after everybody else has even forgotten your request in vain hopes that this undeserved self-pity will spark some remittance of your sentence
13. Do it anyway

Nostalgia....

Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. 
- Amanda Hatch

Don't Stop Believin'

Anything can happen! Don't stop believin'!

This was by our apartments. Soon after it was cleaned, and we all wondered . . . why?

I Just Deviated to My Detriment

Well, Alfredo sauce is not supposed to have the consistency of Jello and is supposed to be soluble in water. Unfortunately I made a few "adjustments" to the recipe and that's how the "ready already alfredo" turned out. Today I did it again - I figured that broccoli soup didn't really need brocolli, and I added in some meat. Bad idea. Furthermore, it said to put in cream, and I put in heavy whipping cream. I don't think that's the right kind of cream - after I blended it my soup was super foamy and smelled, not awfully delicious, as I had hoped, but awfully awful.

I had super good eggs this morning though, with parmesan cheese mixed in with some chipped turkey. That is one deviation that delivered.

Populous

OK, now, usually comics are pretty good, but this one really got me.

Cats TREMBLE before me!

Oftentimes when I start thinking about writing in this blog I start thinking about blogs in general.  Then I say, "I wonder what so-and-so is up to," or, "Boy, did what's-his-or-her-name finally get that duck problem resolved?"  Eventually I'm so tired of reading blogs and not getting anything real done I abandon my task and go eat some food.  And then my sister calls.

So, eventually, I get to this point, where I haven't written anything for weeks.

First, a quick update:

• School is going well (I just finished the "testing out" equivalent of my computer science class, so I never have to go again or take the final)
• I've had a few dates in the past couple of days that were fun, including seeing Thoroughly Modern Millie and going ice skating
• We've had a few great talks in the last couple of weeks, from Pres. Monson to Elder Holland to Merrill J. Bateman
• We have cleaning checks today, so for the rest of today the clamorous sounds of scrubbing and the low rumble of the vacuum will fill our apartment.  Unless the synthesized music of Mario Kart Wii  does, as it does right now

Other then that, I can't think of much else to say.  It's rainy and 

cold, and the snow is that muddy black color that comes after weeks without a new snowfall.  I'm still barely getting over my sickness and cough that have plagued me since before Christmas.

So now, here's the picture that sparked the title (anybody who's ever had a cat in their house, or worse, arms while cleaning will understand):

Lagoon and Preference

Today was a fun-filled day.  After waking up early to take a picture in Provo canyon for our English publication that another girl and I are in charge of, two-thirds of our dorm and some of our FHE sisters went to Lagoon today.  We rode Wicked and the Spider several times, and we also rode the Colossus, the Jetstar II (we squeezed three into one bench seat), the Rocket, Cliffhanger, the trans-park lift, and the Samurai.  It was my first time on the Samurai - every single other time I've been there it's been closed for maintenance.  I loved it.  It was so exhilarating, and wasn't even very nauseating like it looks.  We then went to a hypnotist's show at Lagoon and laughed hysterically at the antics of the unfortunate.  Trevor, our neighbor, went up to be hypnotized but it didn't take hold on him.  We went through a haunted walk-through with strobe lights, glasses that made the walls look 3D, scary costumes jumping out at us, and a very real, very good joker in the style of the recent movie.  The first hypnosis show was at 5; at 7 we went to it again.  This time Dallin and Richard went up on stage.  The hypnosis didn't take on Richard.  Dallin was hilarious.  Dallin sang a gibberish rap, tried to sell us shoes that he was wearing backwards, thought there was a cell-phone in the shoes, got very cold and very warm, smelt a range of odiferous pseudo-fumes, was amazed by the hypnotist turning invisible, and more.  Our rib cages will be quite sore tomorrow from laughter.  Overall it was a very fun night, with fun people and fun activities.

Then I got home and there were arrows from the door to the fridge and in the fridge was a plate of crackers and cheese with a note on it saying, "To figure out who I am answer the following:  This type of cheese contains all 4 letters in my name, one of which is repeated (3 different letters...).  It is an Italian whey cheese commonly used in LASAGNA.  Good luck."
Anyway, so that's fairly exciting!

Homemade Jokes

What did one pickle convince the other pickle to watch on TV?
    Dill or no Dill    -or-
    Pickleodeon
Australian chess players must have so many false check mates.
San Diego? Isn’t that a waffle on a beach?
An old man with a cane gets asked what his hobbies are. He responds that he doesn't have "hobbies." He has "hobbles."
How old does a cornstalk have to be to get his driver’s license in Utah?
    “16 ears”!
What’s the longest bone in your body? Your femur. That one's easy - everybody gets it.  Here's the hard one: what’s the second longest bone in your body?
    And of course, the answer is your other femur!  Nobody's ever gotten that one before.

Jerry

For our Writing class we have to write a post every week on a topic, ask a question of our own, and then answer somebody else's question.  This week the topic was on our favorite books.  Remember, this is for our English class...

One of the people posted this post:

At a very early age, I discovered the world of books. I quickly exhausted my elementary school's small library and quickly moved on to the county library system. You ever read Matilda by Roald Dahl? Well, that was me. I read more than I talked, and that habit has followed me through my life. I've had to give up some of my reading for the sake of having a life, but I am still a very avid reader.

As a result, I can't actually tell you what my "favorite" book is. I have favorites in different genres and for different purposes, and I almost always "appreciate" books, especially the classics. So here is a few of my "favorites."

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck (I have to say, he is probably my favorite author, with the exception of The Pearl, which I like to disregard as a small blemish on his superb writing style.)
The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett (one of the greatest mystery/detective stories of all time - Sam Spade is the best!)
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky (a truly compelling novel)
A Separate Peace by John Knowles
To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee (one of my comfort books - I read it when I'm upset)
Lord of the Flies by William Golding (I read it when I want to be mad at the world ;) It has the most amazing metaphors!)
Macbeth by Shakespeare (as well as The Taming of the Shrew, Much Ado About Nothing, and Romeo and Juliet)
Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy (beautiful imagery and characterizations, omgosh)

And I just realized that's a lot, and I haven't even gotten to my contemporary favorites yet... I'll refrain for now for your sake, as my reader. :)

Question: Are there any traits in a person's character that really, really drive you crazy?

Jerry, upon reading it, decided to (almost) write a response to her question:

Yeah!  When they suck up to the teacher!

Jerry and I have a great time

For English we have to write a post on a topic and then ask a question and then respond to somebody else's question. This is the question that I asked:

Here's a question! Do you have any theories you came up with on your own? Maybe a theory that nobody else believes?

This is Jerry's response (a combined effort between him and I):

I came up with a theory just reading this question, and you can't say that it's not true. "The universe revolves around Jerry Robertson." -Jerry Robertson-

Since the universe revolves around myself, and the fact that I defy the laws of the universe, you should all submit to my bidding.

Minesweeper in English!!!!!!!

What's an "idear"?

As in, "I had a great idear the other day!"  With the accent and everything...

Well, here is my idea(r) about what an "idear" is:

It's a camouflage suit made by Apple (for hunters, of course).

And here is Jerry's:

An Apple girlfriend.

Synonyms

You know...sometimes bored and hungry are synonyms.

Epitaph on a Dentist

Stranger, approach this spot with gravity;
John Brown is filling his last cavity.

-Anonymous

Machines are toast at State Jazz

I guess the manufacturer is so certain of the machine's inefficacy or inability...