Vi-R-Us

Security researchers at the Sillycon Valley Startup VirulentStrains, Inc. have discovered startling news.  Computer viruses have jumped the genetic gap to humans.  Analysts have long been concerned with several variants of the bird flu, which have jumped to humans in a few isolated cases.  Recently, however, a more serious problem has surfaced.

"With the increasing complexity of computer systems we suspected something like this would happen at some point," said lead artificial intelligence researcher John Hyong. "Computer engineers try to model their intricate AI around the human body's capabilities, especially that of the brain, the most amazing computer known to man.  Computers are now so similar to humans that it wasn't a large leap for the Vi-R-Us strain to adapt itself from computer DNA, as it were, to human."

The Vi-R-Us strain, originally discovered in 1998, has been responsible for DDoS attacks on major corporations for years, mutating as it grew in scope.  Now, it seems, it has mutated once again, able to attack not just human-like artificial intelligent computers but humans themselves.  Vi-R-Us is transmitted like any other flu: contact with infected door handles, public restrooms, and sneezing are especially deadly.


The National Association of the Prevention of Human-Borne Computer Viruses/Trojans/Infections (NAPHBCVTI), formed in an emergency meeting on Saturday by the President, is advising everyone to protect their electronics from the threat.  Laptop users are encouraged to buy keyboard covers.  iAnything users should buy gloves.  "The threat is two-fold," said a NAPHBCVTI representative. "We need to stop users from infecting computers and computers from infecting users."

Meanwhile, representatives of Toys 'R' Us have released a public statement distancing themselves from the "unfortunately-named" virus.

"We have absolutely no connection, corporate or otherwise, with the malignant 'Vi-R-Us' threat," stated a press release from the company on Monday.

While no cases have been reported to the NAPHBCVTI yet, the threat is real and hospitals are advised to begin using traditional stethoscopes instead of their Apple iSpy pilot program stethoscopes at this time.

First duplicate snowflake found!

PROVO, UT -- The frozen theory of snowflake uniqueness was shattered today as local Provo resident Harvey Bright announced that he has found a snowflake that he has definitely seen before.

"I swear I saw this same design on Monday!" he shouted Wednesday evening as glittery flakes filled the night sky and his car-driving neighbor slid into a poplar tree due to the slushy road.  Further discovery was abruptly brought to an end as Harvey hurried to extract his friend from the wreckage.  By the time Harvey was again available for comment, the snowflake had melted.

Ever since the study of what are scientifically called "snow crystals" started in 1611 with Johannes Kepler's treatise On the Six-Cornered Snowflake, scientists and laypeople alike have maintained that every snowflake's crystal structure is unrepeatable.  Even about.com, a respected scientific knowledgebase, admits that "no two snowflakes are exactly identical."

"Duplicity of snow crystals is so highly unlikely that it is equivalent to the possibility of finding a penguin tied to a rocket orbiting the moon in the 1930s.  It just isn't feasible," advocated a BYU spokesperson from the Department of Cold-Weather Research as recently as 2010.  Harvey's discovery will be shocking news to a community that has long considered the uniqueness of snow crystals to be as much of a scientific law as Einstein's General Theory of Relativity.

"This certainly will have long-reaching impact," a city official publicly stated in a press conference held this morning at the courthouse.  "Provo city is considering the purchase of a new 'Welcome to Provo' sign with this discovery highlighted at the bottom."

Tourism is expected to increase dramatically as word of this discovery reaches all of America and eventually, all the world.

Ski resorts in the mountains surrounding Provo are hoping to capitalize as well.  Sherry Youd, who asked to remain anonymous, is the marketing director of one of Provo's premiere ski resorts.  She excitedly commented, "What has long been hailed as the greatest snow on earth now takes on a whole new meaning.  'The Greatest Snow on Earth...Twice' or 'Snowflake Found its Snowmate: So Can You' . . . possibilities of catch-phrases are endless.  This could be the biggest advertising campaign yet!"

The history of snow crystal research is long and varied, with famous names like Wilson Bentley photographing snowflakes in 1931 and Ukichiro Nakaya performing systematic snow crystal research in 1954.  Harvey truly has been standing on the "shoulders of giants" in this discovery.

According to a new city ordinance, local residents are expected to assess their coat sleeves periodically while it snows in hopes of confirming Harvey's discovery.

More info about snowflakes from about.com
More info about snowflake history